Just an Outburst.

I feel so embarrassed of myself yesterday. I had an amazing day yesterday, but it felt as if my ability to appreciate was stripped off. My negative emotions clouded the amazing formal I had with my friends. My negative emotions clouded the efforts that my friends put to connect with me.

I started to get emotional over something very small: not having the right attire to wear to the formal. It shouldn't have been a big issue, but my usual emotional tantrum started to take place. I was in tears the whole day, draining energy from my body and soul. I was even unable to appreciate the one friend that is always there to console me. Now, to think back about it, I feel extremely embarrassed over what I've done.

Sometimes, I wonder why I behave like this. I try to avoid myself from behaving like this, but it just happens sometimes, you see. I was thinking of putting the blame on either PMS or bipolar disorder. Actually, bipolar disorder seems legit to me since I usually feel the extremeness of both happy and sad feelings for no reason or for very irrelevant reasons. However, I realise that if I do that, I'm just escaping from my own weaknesses.

I would love to correct what I've done, but too bad time is irreversible. I would love to correct myself in the future, but I am sort of unable to predict when I'm getting the elevated distress. I guess all I can do is try to slap myself to reality whenever the feeling hits me. Just kidding. :P All I can do is to try to avoid having the feeling as much as possible,as I still haven't figured out how to control the feelings once I have it, and I end up hurting everyone around me. :(

P.S I'm so sorry to those whom I ended up hurting till now.

First World Problem: Me No Mood to Eat...

Recently, I've lost my motivation to eat. I do feel hungry, probably hungrier than ever. But, I have no clue why I don't feel like cook for myself and eat. When I think about it, it feels like I've lost the inspiration to cook, especially after a few fail attempts. Now, every time I think about cooking, I can only think about how bad it is going to taste.

One might ask, "Why not buy and eat then?" I can easily do that, except that I don't really have the motivation to go by myself to a restaurant and eat. Not only that, I'm kind of bored of the food served in the restaurant. None of the food can excite my tastebuds anymore.

This is a first world problem. I know I'm slowly losing energy. I know without proper meal, I'm looking more tired than ever. I just couldn't help it. I don't know how to break out of the circle. Probably the only form of motivation I had for cooking is slowly decreasing. How I wish human race don't have to depend on food to survive.. If only..

Noodles and tea.

I have been trying to get my tea and noodles right for more than a week now. After some experimenting, I realised that it's not my method that's going wrong, but it's the tea and the noodles I don't favour. The tea is just blant and tastes almost like water no matter which proportion of water, milk and sugar I add. Meanwhile, the noodles has this strong smell of egg which I hate (should've realised that when my friends said that it smelled good when it didn't for me last week =.= ). I'll at least try to finish up the tea, but for the noodles: "Sayonara! You are going into the rubbish bin".

To shop or not to shop?

Lately, I have the urge of stocking up my room with furniture and apparels. Boots, jackets, cabinet, bed, etc. I'll be planning to go and buy these stuff during every first lecture. Sadly, as the day advances, that urge of buying stuffs is slowly replaced by the sense of unworthiness due to extreme lag in studies. Oh well, dear shopping urge, you gotta wait for a very looooooong time indeed.

The Tale of My Boring Self

A few things my mom told me unconsciously made me realise how much I've been missing out lately. 

She told me that she was checking Facebook to see if I have uploaded any photos by any chance. I realised that I take less pictures this year compared to last year. That might be probably because it's my second year in Canada, and I'm not so excited as I used to be anymore. Also, there hasn't been many photo-taking opportunity for me lately. I barely go out for a random walk nowadays, and this year I have less opportunity to hang out with people. So, I guess naturally I won't have many (if not any) photos to be uploaded. 

Secondly, she was talking about Deepavali preparation for this year, when I asked her when is Deepavali. She was kind of shocked and asked me, "Deepa! It's your day! How could you not know?". Oh well, I guess ever since I came to Canada, I stopped getting excited about those annual festivals, including Deepavali. After all, what are festivals without family?

Then, she asked me whether there's any Tamil movie showing in cinemas here, in Toronto. I told her that she's asking the wrong person. I never kept myself updated with any entertainment news. I think the last time I watched a Tamil movie in theatre was more than a year ago. Not only Kollywood, but I dont even know what's going on in Hollywood. I even stopped watching television shows for a long time now.

Oh well. I guess I'm appearing more and more boring to myself as I age. Hopefully I won't have a hard(er) time to fit in with my Malaysian friends and family the next time I go back to Malaysia.

Reason.

Probably there's none.

What's your motivating factor?

Once I asked my Facebook friends to name that one thing that motivates them the most to push themselves to their limit. I got very interesting and inspiring comments. I just thought I could share the post here.

A question.

I never knew my head could actually almost explode. A few days back, I was thinking about something random, and the next moment I realised that I was clutching my head so tightly, wanting to scream out the word, "Stop!!!". It was an interesting experience for me because I've never felt a feeling of that immensity before.

Should I explore more of that feeling or should I just stay away? I'm still considering my option.

Scribbles

I couldn't sleep because the room was (too) hot, switched on the light overnight for the fear of bugs n other beings, woke up wayyy early to realise that I couldn't fall asleep anymore, and now I couldn't find my toothbrush and toothpaste.

Happy first day to SKULE to myself.

Me and Jewellery.

Yes, I am an Indian girl. I’m proud to be one too.
But, that doesn’t mean I have to be loaded with jewellery all the time.
I know most Indians (especially the community that I’m living in) are not used to seeing an Indian girl without any earring, necklace and bracelets. It’s become society norm for them.
But, please understand that not everyone is same.
I wear jewellery when I feel like wearing them.
I despise being told to wear jewellery by everyone else.
Mom, dad, aunty and uncle.
If you are not pleased to see my bare ears, please keep that feeling to yourself. I don’t need to be told to wear earrings every single time you see me. I can’t possibly think of carrying extra load with me when I am not in the mood.
Don’t expect me to remember to wear any piece of jewellery everytime I go to temple or any social gathering.
I don’t stop you from wearing whatever jewellery you want. That’s your wish. At the same time, I wish the same from you. Let me don whatever I want.
Don’t get me wrong. I love jewellery. I just save the habit of wearing them when I am feeling good about something.
Have a good day.

Hope for Friends

I am too overwhelmed by the imperfections of the life. No, I am not talking about mine. I am really sad to hear that some of my friends are undergoing some troublesome moments in my life. What I thought could only happen in movies are happening in real world too. The happy, innocent souls I've seen when I was in school with them have been tainted and hardened by the hardships of the life. I just hope that they will be strong enough to go through the turbulences in their lives.

Lifeless.

How I hate to stare at the laptop screen, waiting for some miracle to pop out? I shut down the laptop after hours of web-browsing, just to turn it on again after slightly more than 30 minutes. Conclusion: The life filled with sleeping, eating, watching tv (although I lost my interest in it), jogging once in a while, cycling, and driving is NO FUN! Never hated holidays this much.

P.S. I'm so tempted to just scream most of the time.

An update.

I almost drowned again today. I couldn't help but to think why am I risking my life in a swimming pool instead of cycling around my neighbourhood. After a long time, I could feel my whole body trembling at that time. I shall save my swimming skills for emergency purposes only - if I could manage to float that is. Or maybe I'll swim if someone would build a swimming pool suitable for my height.

Loud Music.

Loud music elevates my mind.
Loud music takes me to a different world.
Loud music makes me forget the pain.
Loud music makes me forget the sorrow.
Loud music amplifies the happiness.
Loud music speaks directly to my soul.

All hail the power of music.

Jobless.

Here I am, sitting in front of the laptop, clueless on what to do. My high school is holding sports day today, but none of my friends are going. I bought a guitar, but I'm lazy to pick it up right now. Holding my toy puppy, I wish I could go somewhere not too warm, not too cold and watch stars. Ah well. I guess I'll just continue listening to music.

Happy Birthday, Appa!

Oh, by the way. I have been a bad kid this year. How can I forget my own dad's birthday? Thank god my mom called and reminded me about it. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself.

A small message for my dad:

Appa, thanks for being such an awesome dad. I might not be by your side this year to celebrate your birthday with you, but I promise you that I will try my very best not to let you down. That's my promise, and birthday gift for you. I love you, appa.

(I wish he reads this someday. I don't have the guts to tell this to him directly. :P)

Can't.Stop.Munching.

Should I reminiscent 2011? Or should I dream on 2012? Either way, I know I can't stop munching right now. So I'm gonna do that instead. =P

Gotta stop munching. Soon. In an hour. Or two. Or never. Bye.

Scribble

Hey there! I've been lazing in my house for a week or two now. It has never been SO boring till now! Well, I have been watching Gossip Girl for a few days, and I have to say that the series is so damn ADDICTIVE! I have not been writing for a while now, so I just want to scribble something on the blog before I tune back to GG. So, bye!

Lazy Blogger

strewth! I just got hit on the head and recalled that I have not updated this since they invented sliced bread... You would not believe that I'd been abducted by aliens. I hope you still love me!.

I am overwhelmed with discovering time doesn't stand still, watching the grass grow, just generally being a worry to my psychologist, my day drifts aimlessly from crawling out of bed at 6.30 to sun down and beyond. I am not growing up. but who cares.

I declare solemnly I will update you with my nefarious activities as soon as I get a chance. You have my word! What do you mean you don't believe me?.

p.s. This post is generated from http://www.aussiebloggers.com.au/blogpost.html.

Bubye! Till next time! =)

NOT a robot.

For your information, I am NOT a robot. Thanks for noticing that.