"You haven't changed at all!"

"You haven't changed at all!" 

Those were the words from my friend whom I met two years ago. Little did he realised how much those words meant to me. Thank you. :)

A flower.

Today,

I bloom again.

I bloomed yesterday, and the day before.

I will bloom again tomorrow too.

But, something has changed.

I couldn't find my old petals anymore.

The traces of them slowly fade away into nothingness.

They've always been there, but now they are fading.

Noodles and tea.

I have been trying to get my tea and noodles right for more than a week now. After some experimenting, I realised that it's not my method that's going wrong, but it's the tea and the noodles I don't favour. The tea is just blant and tastes almost like water no matter which proportion of water, milk and sugar I add. Meanwhile, the noodles has this strong smell of egg which I hate (should've realised that when my friends said that it smelled good when it didn't for me last week =.= ). I'll at least try to finish up the tea, but for the noodles: "Sayonara! You are going into the rubbish bin".

To shop or not to shop?

Lately, I have the urge of stocking up my room with furniture and apparels. Boots, jackets, cabinet, bed, etc. I'll be planning to go and buy these stuff during every first lecture. Sadly, as the day advances, that urge of buying stuffs is slowly replaced by the sense of unworthiness due to extreme lag in studies. Oh well, dear shopping urge, you gotta wait for a very looooooong time indeed.

The Tale of My Boring Self

A few things my mom told me unconsciously made me realise how much I've been missing out lately. 

She told me that she was checking Facebook to see if I have uploaded any photos by any chance. I realised that I take less pictures this year compared to last year. That might be probably because it's my second year in Canada, and I'm not so excited as I used to be anymore. Also, there hasn't been many photo-taking opportunity for me lately. I barely go out for a random walk nowadays, and this year I have less opportunity to hang out with people. So, I guess naturally I won't have many (if not any) photos to be uploaded. 

Secondly, she was talking about Deepavali preparation for this year, when I asked her when is Deepavali. She was kind of shocked and asked me, "Deepa! It's your day! How could you not know?". Oh well, I guess ever since I came to Canada, I stopped getting excited about those annual festivals, including Deepavali. After all, what are festivals without family?

Then, she asked me whether there's any Tamil movie showing in cinemas here, in Toronto. I told her that she's asking the wrong person. I never kept myself updated with any entertainment news. I think the last time I watched a Tamil movie in theatre was more than a year ago. Not only Kollywood, but I dont even know what's going on in Hollywood. I even stopped watching television shows for a long time now.

Oh well. I guess I'm appearing more and more boring to myself as I age. Hopefully I won't have a hard(er) time to fit in with my Malaysian friends and family the next time I go back to Malaysia.

Reason.

Probably there's none.

What's your motivating factor?

Once I asked my Facebook friends to name that one thing that motivates them the most to push themselves to their limit. I got very interesting and inspiring comments. I just thought I could share the post here.

A random post.

I found it in Facebook. It's quite long, but it definitely worth a read.

"Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you've written and rewritten over and over and over. You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name.

A question.

I never knew my head could actually almost explode. A few days back, I was thinking about something random, and the next moment I realised that I was clutching my head so tightly, wanting to scream out the word, "Stop!!!". It was an interesting experience for me because I've never felt a feeling of that immensity before.

Should I explore more of that feeling or should I just stay away? I'm still considering my option.

The XX - Shelter

I am addicted to a song for 6 months now. No matter how many times I listened to the song, I never get bored of it. I'm not exactly sure why, but it might be because of the serene vocal, mesmerising music, lyrics that could touch one's soul or maybe it's all of the reasons. I guess it's one of those songs I'll never forget in my life. Here is the lyrics for the song:

Shelter (The XX)

I find shelter, in this way

Under cover, hide away

Can you hear, when I say?

I have never felt this way

Cincai Cooking

I cooked for the first time today! Okay, not exactly first time, but this is the first official time I'm cooking without any guidance. Or probably the second time, if the 'seaweed fried rice' I made during the winter break is counted.

First attempts are never perfect. Same goes to my cooking. First of all, I didn't know how much rice I should put in the rice cooker, so I simply put one and a half cup. Little did I realised at that time that that is actually the amount of rice my mom cooks for a meal for my whole family! Oh well. At least I poured in the right amount of water.

Then, I started to realise that the vegetable I put in the frying pan were cooked faster than I thought. Dang, I totally forgot to control the burner level! I quickly corrected the mistake, although I was almost done cooking by then.

Scribbles

I couldn't sleep because the room was (too) hot, switched on the light overnight for the fear of bugs n other beings, woke up wayyy early to realise that I couldn't fall asleep anymore, and now I couldn't find my toothbrush and toothpaste.

Happy first day to SKULE to myself.

R.I.P Mr Michel De Lottinville.

Sometimes, the widest grin might be hiding the deepest grief within.

There was a man I knew that could never be spotted without  wide smile on his face and some motivating words to be heard. Seeing him had always made my day brighter.

I am sad that that man is no longer on this Earth to brighten another person's day.

It saddens me to hear that he took away his life on his own will.

I hope he never stops smiling in his afterlife.

R.I.P Mr Michel De Lottinville.

The Blue Moon.

31st August 2012 is not only special because of the national day celebration of my beloved country, Malaysia. This year, it's even more special due to the appearance of the 'Blue Moon'.

When I first heard about it a few weeks ago, I actually thought that the moon will appear blue on that night because of some extraordinary space event. My excitement was short-lived; it was crashed by the Google within a few hours.

The 'blue moon' is actually a phenomenon in which the full moon appears for the second time within a month's duration. This is because the moon usually completes an orbit around the Earth in 29.5 days, but a month is usually 30 or 31 days except for the month of February. So, full moon appears twice a month every two and a half years on average according to NASA.

A picture of the moon taken using blue filter
Source:  http://www.nasa.gov/vision/universe/watchtheskies/07jul_bluemoon.html 

Me and my stuck car.

I had my car stuck when I was trying to park the car today. I thought I was totally screwed when the car wouldn't move an inch.

It all started when I couldn't find a shady place to park my car near my auntie's house. So I decided to park on the pavement of my auntie's neighbour's house, which was shady because of the bamboo trees. I had parked my car there before, so I was confident that I could do it again smoothly. As I drove towards the pavement, a motorcycle that was parked by the side of the pavement caught my eyes, but I didn't give in to the internal alarm that rang in my brain. I just accelerated my way up to the pavement. As my sister, who was sitting next to me, started to tell me that I shouldn't be parking there, I heard a screeching sound. The first thought that came to my mind was, "Sh*t, I'm in deeeeeeeeep trouble".

Summer 2012

Summer break's gonna end soon. That was fast. Long, but fast. In these four months, I think I've spent most of the time looking at my laptop screen (as usual). My brain's a bit too rusty, but I'm ready to reverse the redox reaction during the second year (I think). I heard it's gonna be a killer year. I barely survived the first year (due to my own mistakes), but I'm gonna try really hard to do my best this year.

The summer break was not too bad. I..

1. learned how to swim (barely)
2. burned my skin numerous times (it's still healing)
3. tried various Malaysian food for the first time (notably nasi kandar and char koey teow)

நடுவண் (Naduvan)

Recently, I listened to a Tamil song. I was amazed by the song, because it is the first ever Tamil rap religious song that I've listened too! Well, it didn't exactly sound like rap for some reason, but Athiruban Manoharan Naicker, famously known as Dr Burn, has wrote the song very well that he stole my heart. I am just wowed at his excellence in writing and pronouncing Tamil words. The song is basically about Hinduism, or more specifically, Shaivism. I myself am not really familiar with the religion, but the message in the song is basically about life, death and Lord Shiva. Humans make sins, not realising that the body and life that they have is just temporary. God is eternal, and surrendering to Him shall cleanse all the sins from humans. It's something that I've heard many times before. But, like I said, I was amazed by the words Dr Burn picked to convey this message. I tried hard to find the Tamil lyrics for this song (not transliteration of the song lyrics in English, but in actual Tamil words), but I couldn't find any. So, I decided to write out the lyrics in Tamil using Google Transliteration. My Tamil usage has been rusty nowadays, so pardon me if some of the words are spelled wrongly and feel free to comment the right way of writing them. :)

Efiia House

I was walking slowly. The winding road seemed endless. Trees were standing tall on both sides of the road.

I know neither how I got here in the first place, nor where I was heading. Perhaps my sore feet knew. I continued to walk, accompanied by the loyal moon.

Once in a while, I passed by some people. All of them dressed rather formally, as was I. Some of them nodded at me, smiling. I smiled back at them as a courtesy and continued to walk.

It was rather strange. It felt as if I was in a mysterious race. Maybe it was a race against time; maybe it was a race against those people I walked past just now. As my mind continued to be boggled by numerous questions, a few boys cycled past me. Wait, I knew one of them!

Humongous Bodies

Decided to share one of my emails here.


[A] HUMAN BODY 
  
[1] A human being loses an average of 40 to 100 strands of hair a day.   

[2] A cough releases an explosive charge of air that moves at speeds up to 60mph.   

[3] Every time you lick a stamp, you consume 1/10 of a calorie.   

[4] A fetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months.   

[5] A sneeze can exceed the speed of 100 mph.   

[6] Every person has a unique tongue print.  

Nowhere (Part 1)

When someone feels like he or she belongs nowhere, is it something to be proud of or to be mourned over?

To be proud of because that person has made his or her own place in this world?

Or to be mourned over because he or she couldn't fit in the large society that dominates this world?

Are we born to grow as a society? If we are, how can we make any difference if we don't feel like we belong to this society? What if solidity is the greatest pleasure that someone could achieve? Will that be a hindrance to the greater good of the community?

Me and Jewellery.

Yes, I am an Indian girl. I’m proud to be one too.
But, that doesn’t mean I have to be loaded with jewellery all the time.
I know most Indians (especially the community that I’m living in) are not used to seeing an Indian girl without any earring, necklace and bracelets. It’s become society norm for them.
But, please understand that not everyone is same.
I wear jewellery when I feel like wearing them.
I despise being told to wear jewellery by everyone else.
Mom, dad, aunty and uncle.
If you are not pleased to see my bare ears, please keep that feeling to yourself. I don’t need to be told to wear earrings every single time you see me. I can’t possibly think of carrying extra load with me when I am not in the mood.
Don’t expect me to remember to wear any piece of jewellery everytime I go to temple or any social gathering.
I don’t stop you from wearing whatever jewellery you want. That’s your wish. At the same time, I wish the same from you. Let me don whatever I want.
Don’t get me wrong. I love jewellery. I just save the habit of wearing them when I am feeling good about something.
Have a good day.

Hope for Friends

I am too overwhelmed by the imperfections of the life. No, I am not talking about mine. I am really sad to hear that some of my friends are undergoing some troublesome moments in my life. What I thought could only happen in movies are happening in real world too. The happy, innocent souls I've seen when I was in school with them have been tainted and hardened by the hardships of the life. I just hope that they will be strong enough to go through the turbulences in their lives.

Lifeless.

How I hate to stare at the laptop screen, waiting for some miracle to pop out? I shut down the laptop after hours of web-browsing, just to turn it on again after slightly more than 30 minutes. Conclusion: The life filled with sleeping, eating, watching tv (although I lost my interest in it), jogging once in a while, cycling, and driving is NO FUN! Never hated holidays this much.

P.S. I'm so tempted to just scream most of the time.

An update.

I almost drowned again today. I couldn't help but to think why am I risking my life in a swimming pool instead of cycling around my neighbourhood. After a long time, I could feel my whole body trembling at that time. I shall save my swimming skills for emergency purposes only - if I could manage to float that is. Or maybe I'll swim if someone would build a swimming pool suitable for my height.

Blessings.

Yesterday, I was blessed by an old lady that I met when I went for a jog. She hugged me, kissed my cheeks, and asked me not to give up and to be the 'bharathi kanda puthumaipen' which means ideal new age women. Although it was weird to be suddenly kissed by a stranger, it reminded me of the hopes old people have on today's young generation. Thank you, Lady. I will try my best to succeed in life.

Football.

One of the many things I feel like I'm being left out from: football. My dad, the only guy in my family, isn't a football fan. In fact, I'd be surprised if he watches any sports at all. So naturally, I was raised without a touch of sports fanaticism.

The first time I remember hearing about the infamous FIFA World Cup is when I was in Year 4, which was in 2002. My whole class was buzzing about the players when I cornered away to do my homework, not because I wasn't interested, but because I didn't have a  clue on what to talk about. I remember fighting with my parents for them to let me watch the world cup, to no avail. Ah well.

Then, the football fever hits again when I was in Form 2. During that time, I was in a girls' high school. There, I witnessed a new form of football fever. My friends (most of them,

Mi goreng mamak, satu!

Two months. It's been really weird not to be studying. What's even weirder is that I totally forgot that I haven't had my plate of mi goreng mamak yet! Dang! I've been craving for the thing for eight months, and here I am, sitting like a fool in front of the laptop even though I have the chance to go and grab mi goreng mamak satu. *bangs head on the wall* Ah well. I am going to go and seize it. Soon. After I'm done doing nothing. Oh, I'm hopeless. Dot.

Mi goreng mamak, satu!

Loud Music.

Loud music elevates my mind.
Loud music takes me to a different world.
Loud music makes me forget the pain.
Loud music makes me forget the sorrow.
Loud music amplifies the happiness.
Loud music speaks directly to my soul.

All hail the power of music.

Jobless.

Here I am, sitting in front of the laptop, clueless on what to do. My high school is holding sports day today, but none of my friends are going. I bought a guitar, but I'm lazy to pick it up right now. Holding my toy puppy, I wish I could go somewhere not too warm, not too cold and watch stars. Ah well. I guess I'll just continue listening to music.

A new look.

Yay! A new look for my blog!

The background picture is taken in Cameron Highlands. I chose a new colour (purple) for the background. Changed the font too.

So, what do you think? :D

What's bugging my mind?

Is the universe the largest thing that exists? Is there anything smaller than quarks or lepton? Does the matter matters as much as the intrinsic values such as love? When the politicians fight among themselves for power and money (well, most of them anyways), there are people who are dying of hunger, poverty, etc. While the population on Earth increases, the accessible fresh water and air is becoming more and more polluted. The world is suffering environmentally and societally, yet there are people with hope and the burning will to strive. Technology is unravelled more and more day by day, causing materialism to soar. Does that even matter when people still believe in supernatural beings and have faith in religion? It is such a wonder to see the world which was once cool and natural is now filled with concrete skyscrapers. The world's economy gets shakier, but can money bring back those who are gone from this world forever? I wonder. Is there a better world? Or, are we making our world better? We are going to die anyways, just like the dinosaur, but that doesn't stop us from exploring the wonders of science, humans and all that's in between. Everything's entangled in a complex manner, but all the tangles are untangled harmoniously (well, the world's not exploding yet). Okay, before my brain explodes, I should listen to my mom and hit the sack. Good *fill in the blank according to your time zone*.

Deepa

My Last Breath

Daddy,
Every step I took
made me breathless
My legs were wobbly
and I couldn’t stand anymore
My throat hurt
every time I gasped for air
Why did this happen to me?

Daddy,
Smoke came out of your mouth
I thought that was cool
So this is what I could smell
when I was inside mommy’s womb
Every puff of smoke you took
left me breathless and weak
back in there and right now.

Daddy,
I’ve fought the urge to sleep
but I can do it no more
As my panting got faster
I slowly closed my eyes
I looked at you one last time
and took in my last … .

Kaching Kaching

சிறு துளி பேரு வெள்ளம்

$mall droplet$ of water will cause big flood

One of the first proverbs I learnt in primary school swam through my mind. When I read an article in The Star about a mother trying to teach her children the importance of saving up money, I was reminded of my childhood. I was given my piggy bank when I went to kindergarten when I was six. Well, it was not exactly a piggy bank. I remembered my first money box was a cylinder wrapped with a picture of beachside. It was colourful and lasted for around seven years even though it was made of cardboard. I still remember the joy I felt whenever I put in some coins inside my money box. (Yippie!!!! Kaching Kaching!)

My mother would give me thirty cents per schooling day (later it increased to fifty cents in Year Three and RM1 in Year 6). I used to ‘ikat perut’ in my school just to put the money in my precious money box. I opened my first savings account in Year One with the help of my class teacher. Every three months, I would count the coins collected in my money box, exchange the coins

Ever since I landed in...

Penang.

I'm back home after eight months in Toronto. The journey back home was long and tiring, but I'm glad it was. I have been living in the land of boredom ever since I came back to Penang, and the journey back home was one of the very few memorable things that has happened to me in the month of May so far.

Home hasn't changed that much. I feel as if I just left Penang yesterday. Well, I gotta admit I've forgotten the routes for some places (knowing me =P ), but comparatively Penang is still the Penang that I knew. Home-cooked meals, onlining, driving, lifeless-ing... yep, pretty much still the same.

I had the eagerness to revise some university materials back at home before flying here. However, it diminished for some reason after I stepped into my

Happy Birthday, Appa!

Oh, by the way. I have been a bad kid this year. How can I forget my own dad's birthday? Thank god my mom called and reminded me about it. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself.

A small message for my dad:

Appa, thanks for being such an awesome dad. I might not be by your side this year to celebrate your birthday with you, but I promise you that I will try my very best not to let you down. That's my promise, and birthday gift for you. I love you, appa.

(I wish he reads this someday. I don't have the guts to tell this to him directly. :P)

Inspiration.

Lesson learned:

There are so many inspiration around you. You just have to stop blinding yourself.

My friends trying to lift up my spirits.
P.S. It worked.

Yellow Flowers.

While I was walking back from the library, this spot caught my eyes. At that instant, I was grateful that you are here to colour my dull life. Hopefully the wind has carried my whispers to you. 

*Thank you.*

Sincerely, Deepa.

An update.

What a long break it has been? Updating the blog frequently (uncheck). Dang!

Ah, well. Third month of 2012 is almost over. The world's "apocalypse" is sneaking up to us silently. Meanwhile, I'm facing apocalypse everyday. By apocalypse, I meant the university life. It's a struggle to keep my head straight while studying something for which I have no clue why I'm studying. But, life goes on.

At least the weather in Toronto is starting to warm up a little bit. I literally jumped in joy today morning because I still couldn't believe that I don't need that suffocating winter coat any longer! Yippie! The warmth of the sunshine on my skin just feels awesome.

Fairy tales. Impropable. (Im)possible.

"Impropable? Yes. Impossible? Not at all."

This is one of the very few quotes that keep on ringing in my mind everytime I face something new in my life. Things might seem very unlikely to happen most of the time. But, I realised that sometimes, we gotta believe that it's very possible to happen in reality if right amount of imagination and effort is mixed. Right now, when I looked out of the window, I see the CN Tower. It's not as pretty as the KL Tower or even KOMTAR in my own country, but yet, it's something I never dreamt of seeing in my life. I never thought that I would come this far in my life. I never really cared how the life leads me in this complicated maze of challenges and changes, although I can't deny that I had dreams of how it would turn out. Most of the times, it would either be simply plain or boring, or scary and depressing. I always thought that fairy tales are highly impropable. 

First of all, what are fairy tales? When the word floats through our mind, the picture that comes along with it is unusual happiness. "Happily ever after". Is that possible in reality? Why our mind is poisoned with something so artificial? Something so impropable? 

The Wheel.

I sat on the bench. The night was gloomy. Starless. Far away, a group of kids were  playing. My long green fingers trembled in fear. The fear of losing him. I never knew my heart could bind his memory so deeply. Yet, I had to let him go.

The breeze blew. The shoulder beneath the satin dress waited for the touch. It never came. My head turned and my eyes fell on him. The dark, glimmering eyes were looking down at me.

He sat beside me.

Animations and Life.

I still remember those days when animations affected my life. Animations used to influence how neurons in my brain interprets signals. Now, looking back, I think I've lost most of the significant parts of my childhood. Yet, some of the influences have been so great that I can never opt them out from my life. These are some of the animations I used to watch (and probably still will, if I have the chance):

1. Avatar: The Last Airbender

I still can remember how hard I tried

Tomorrow.

Misty it was
on the lonely street
a single lamp post
with flickery light.

A black car with diamond eyes
climbed the wall.
Little does it know
it'd fall well into the well.

The moon followed
the flying raven.
Soon it faded,
hidden by dark clouds.

The blue rose glimmered
throughout the dark night,
waiting to wither
tomorrow.



Deepa
TTC
08th Jan 2012

2011.2012

It's been another year. The world has revolved too quick. And so here we are, looking forward for another year.

It's the first time I'm away from my home and family for the new year. Being 13 hours away from the loved ones does make a difference. They step into 2012 earlier than me. Weird? Yes. Unfair? Nope. During this four months in Toronto, I realised that time is relative. Time becomes even more abstract when there are Facebook, Skype, telephones and other technologies.

Looking back, I see a long journey behind me. So many people, so many spices along the way. "A man's errors are his portal of discovery". Probably there are too many errors in the past that I couldn't fix. But, as time passes by, I realise that there's no point in mourning over the mistakes I have done. It's time to move on. Such is life.

2011 holds too many memories. My journey of education continued into tertiary studies. Relationship with people took a whole new turn. Emotions fluctuated before finding a harmonic stability. Friendships and family relations made more sense. Various types of food were explored. Places were visited. Interests were found. Basically, it has been a year of self exploration and discovery.

Can't.Stop.Munching.

Should I reminiscent 2011? Or should I dream on 2012? Either way, I know I can't stop munching right now. So I'm gonna do that instead. =P

Gotta stop munching. Soon. In an hour. Or two. Or never. Bye.